


Grenade

by sleeponrooftops



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-23
Updated: 2011-02-23
Packaged: 2017-10-31 08:36:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/342071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleeponrooftops/pseuds/sleeponrooftops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He loved her, and he hated her.  He knew that he couldn’t really have her, not even if they both wanted each other.  It wasn’t right, and he knew that.  He sighed, lying back on his bed.  He felt empty without her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Silence, We Share

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I need to preface this or it’s going to be extremely confusing. When I first started this story, I was writing a companion piece, Angel, that was written about Regulus and his girlfriend Sam. They were going to shadow one another. However, they were so alike that they sort of started to mesh together and, so, I’m going to give you both their stories in one.
> 
> The moments with Regulus are rarer than I’d like them to be. He’ll show up in this chapter and the last, though they are prominent points in the story. So, if you’re wondering why the hell there’s a random Regulus scene in this chapter, that’s why. Now, without further ado, I present to you my little wonder…

_Now we’re on this planet,_

_I’m in love with all your dangers._

 

It was raining.

 

Lily remembered this as the clearest fact from that night, July 24th, the summer before her sixth year.  She was just finishing a letter to Remus when lightning struck outside, and she jumped, frowning as she cast her eyes to the window.  She hated thunderstorms more than anything, especially the brutal summer ones that seemed to never go away.

 

Sighing, she folded the letter up, slipped it in an envelope, and saved it for tomorrow.  She wouldn’t dare chance sending her owl out in this weather.  Once finished, she went to turn out her light when a scream cut the night.  She spun, turning toward her window as her hand froze before the switch.  Eyes wide, she carefully crossed her room, pulled up her window, and blinked as her curtains blew back in the wind.  She stuck her head out slowly, looking around for a source of the scream.

 

The wind whipped her hair around her, and she was about to retreat when she cast her eyes downward, scanning the ground, and she saw him.  Splayed on the ground and soaking in the rain was someone she could recognize anywhere.  Sirius Black was someone she’d admired from afar, but never, _ever_ in reality.  She knew he was gorgeous, couldn’t deny him the fact that he flaunted, and she’d always tell herself that it wasn’t this fact that sent her sprinting out of her room, tumbling down her stairs, and skidding to a halt in her hallway.  She didn’t stop to grab a coat, didn’t even glance at her shoes, and she was out the door as she heard footsteps upstairs.  It wouldn’t be her parents; they slept through anything, but Petunia would surely be coming down to see why the door was open and why the rain was pouring into their house.  Lily just hoped she wouldn’t lock her out; her wand was still upstairs.

 

She slipped when she hit the grass, but managed to catch herself and she was running again in seconds.  She didn’t yell, didn’t even make a sound to let him know she was there until she fell onto her knees beside him and she couldn’t even touch him, she was so afraid.

 

“Sirius, my God,” she gasped, seeing the red staining the grass and coloring the rain.

 

He opened his mouth to speak, but he could barely open his eyes, and she knew what she had to do.

 

“I’m going to take you inside.”

 

“You can’t carry me,” he finally groaned, rolling his head toward her and forcing his eyes open, “I don’t know why I came here.”

 

He’d only been to her house once, and that was only for an hour or two on one of James’ many stalking excursions.  Of course, those had stopped about midway the summer before their fifth year, for which Sirius was glad.  He hated being so close to her, her _home_ , and not being able to see her.

 

How he remembered what her house looked like was beyond him, but he couldn’t stand to think anything other than he was dying, and she was just sitting there.

 

“I can,” she said, determined, and her hands were shaking as she reached under him, curling her arms around him and desperately trying to lift him.

 

After a few tries, she gave up, and he noticed she was crying, which tore his heart apart.

 

“Can you walk?” she asked, and he laughed, humorlessly.

 

“I’m not even sure how I apparated here.”

 

He was going to die here, lying face up in the rain, in Lily Evans’ lawn.

 

“Lily!  What the bloody _hell_ are you doing out there?” a voice suddenly screeched, causing her to turn abruptly.

 

“ _Petunia_?” she exclaimed in shock, and her sister nodded, rolling her eyes.

 

“What are you doing?” she repeated, stepping out away from the safety of the house.

 

“Can you please help me?”

 

In any other circumstance, she _never_ , in a million years, would have stepped out into the rain, barefoot into the muddy grass, and gone to help her sister, but the absolute desperation and despair in Lily’s voice drew her out of the house, and, with a sigh, she hurried over.

 

“Who is he?” she asked, squatting next to her sister.

 

“A friend from school.  Can you help me carry him inside?”

 

“Dad’s awake,” Petunia informed, nodding up to the window as their parents’ light went on.

 

Lily just nodded, going to grab Sirius under the arms.  Petunia took his feet, and, together, somehow, they managed to bring him into the house.

 

“Girls!” their father exclaimed as they stumbled in, Petunia sagging against the wall under the weight of Sirius, “What in the name—who is this?” he cut himself off, mouth agape.

 

“Dad, he’s a friend from school, and I don’t know what happened, but he’s bleeding really bad, and I…” she trailed off, looking at him helplessly.

 

He looked over the situation once more before shaking his head and covering his eyes, “Put him in the kitchen.  Can you help him?”

 

“Yes, but I need help.”

 

He nodded, turning to run upstairs.

 

“Can you stay with him?” Lily asked Petunia as they settled Sirius in one of the chairs, his body sagging forward against the table.

 

She nodded, casting a wary glance at the shaking Sirius.  Without waiting any longer, Lily dashed out of the room, sprinted around her parents, and was tearing apart her room in seconds.  She found what potions ingredients she had, got a book, hurried back downstairs, and improvised as best as she could while her mother tended regularly to Sirius’ wounds.  No one asked him what had happened until Lily had finished creating a makeshift bed on the floor next to hers and Sirius was sitting wearily on her own bed, eyes closed and shoulders slumped.

 

“Sirius,” she murmured when she finished, straightening.

 

They’d gotten him all fixed up within the hour, and her parents had retired to their room only a few minutes after he was okay.  Petunia had gone back to bed long before everyone else, not wanting to witness Lily’s witchery.  Her parents allowed him to stay the night, though they couldn’t offer him the guest room as it was under construction.

 

He looked up slowly, grey eyes empty and cold.  Lily’s heart broke, and she had to blink away tears as she watched him sigh and carefully stand from her bed.

 

“Thank you, Lily,” he mumbled, not looking up at her.

 

“Sirius, what happened?”

 

She’d never before seen him so vulnerable as when he sat on his bed, put his face in his hands, and started _crying_.  Lily quickly inhaled, closed her eyes, and held her breath as she sat down next to him.  She put an arm around his shoulders, drew him against her, and let him shake and sob.  And he told her everything, he prefaced with a horrible and dark history of his family, and he told her about the beatings, the hateful words, the threats.  He told her about how he’d nearly died that night, fighting off his dad until he could finally get to his room, clear his head, and apparate.  He still didn’t know why he’d ended up here.

 

After an hour, Sirius was even more exhausted, and Lily left him to fall asleep while she went into her bathroom, locked the door, silenced the room with her wand, and collapsed onto the floor, quiet tears tumbling out of her emerald eyes.

 

She spent twenty minutes in the bathroom before returning to her room, curling under her blankets, and falling asleep.  When she woke up the next morning, Sirius was gone, and there was no trace of him ever having been there except for the bed and a small note.

 

_I’m sorry.  Thank you.  Don’t tell anyone._

And that was it.  He’d walked into her life, shown her his darkest and weakest side, and he’d walked right back out again.  And she cried over him, the first boy she’d ever truly felt a connection to.

 

\--

 

Regulus paced, anger pulsing in his veins.

 

He was soaked, though he wouldn’t stop to take the time to dry or warm up.  His dirty blonde hair was darkened by the rain, and his blue eyes were alive with the fury that kept him moving.

 

“I thought I told you to stay put!” a girl exclaimed, hurrying into the room and steering Regulus back to the bed, “God, do you _ever_ listen?”

 

“I’m here, aren’t I?” he snapped, glaring at her.

 

“Okay, so you listen to your delusion, bleeding brother, but that’s about it,” she hissed venomously, shoving him back down when he tried to stand again, “Sit the fuck down.  Now.  Why are _you_ bleeding?”

 

“Why do you think?  My father is mental.  He nearly killed Sirius.”

 

“I get that, Regulus,” she grumbled.

 

She sighed, straightening, and she tied her black, red, and white curls back into a ponytail before opening her kit and starting on the gash in his shoulder.

 

“You didn’t have to get involved,” she mumbled, uncapping a vial.

 

“Of course I did.  He’s my brother,” he returned softly, looking away.

 

He hated to fight with her, his best friend, the girl he was sure he would love for the rest of his life, the girl he knew he was going to marry someday.  Sam had been in his life from the very beginning.  She was a good friend of the Black family, being a Prewett and all, and so they’d grown up together, fallen in love together, and done just about everything together.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered as she motioned to his shirt, and she just looked up at him, eyes sad.

 

“Don’t worry about it,” she said, shrugging, “Just take off your shirt and let me look you over.”

 

He did as told, wincing every now and then as she tended to the wound.  When she left it to dry and went to get him a new shirt, he stood again and went to the window, watching the rain tear through the sky.  He sighed, leaning against the sill and pressing his forehead to the cool glass.  He loved to listen to the rain, but tonight it scared him, made him think of where Sirius possibly could have gone.  He assumed he’d gone to James’; he had always been welcomed there, but something didn’t feel right.

 

“Wanna talk about what happened?” Sam asked as she returned to the room, a shirt in hand.

 

“My dad just _flipped_ ,” he mumbled, not moving, “I don’t even know what caused it.  I just know that he and my mom went nuts and now Sirius has been blasted off the family tree in the house, just like Andy.”

 

Sam frowned, going to sit on the bed.

 

“Why did your dad attack you, too?”

 

“I went after Sirius, outside, begged him to stay, and my dad just kept screaming for me to get away from him.  So, when Sirius finally apparated and I went back inside, he was furious.  Not to mention I went upstairs and hexed Sirius’ door so they wouldn’t be able to get in.  And now I’m here.”

 

“And Sirius told you to come here?”

 

“Yea,” Regulus choked on the rest of his sentence, eyes closing as he heard his brother’s voice ring in his head,

 

_“You get as far from here as you can.  Don’t let them poison you.  Go to Sam.  Get safe, Reg.  I’ll see you in September.  I love you, kid.”_

“I have to go back,” he finally said, sighing and turning, “They’ll attack the Potters’ if I don’t.”

 

“Because Sirius will go there.”

 

Regulus nodded, and Sam looked away, already formulating a plan.

 

“Go back,” she started, standing, “Make nice with them for a week or two, and then I’ll write inviting you to stay with me for the rest of the summer because my parents are going away and I’ll be lonely.  Okay?”

 

Regulus thought for a moment, eyes trained to the ground.

 

“It’s such a tease,” he sighed, crossing the distance between them and lifting her hands, “That I can’t even stay with you now.  I miss seeing you every day,” he whispered, kissing her hands delicately.

 

“Regulus, I know,” she murmured, “But you have to go before they get angrier, okay?  I love you, and I’ll see you soon.”

 

“I love you so much, Sam,” Regulus mumbled, pulling her against him and breathing her in, “Dream of me.”

 

And he was gone.

 

\--

 

_September._

 

He knew it was wrong.  Every single fiber of his body was screaming at him that it was wrong, and, yet, he looked over at her.  Maybe it was because he enjoyed the thrill of quick glances, of fluttering hearts, but it was _wrong_.  Because James Potter, his best mate ever, was standing right next to him, telling him all about his latest plan.

 

“It’s gonna work, Padfoot,” he said, absolutely sure of himself, “I know it is.”

 

“What are you doing again?’ Sirius asked nonchalantly.

 

James just rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, glaring at his friend.

 

“Okay, I’m sorry,” Sirius laughed, “You’re wooing Lily, I know.”

 

He hadn’t said her first name since that night, and it caught him breathless when he did, and he immediately had to look at her again.  James hadn’t spotted her yet, though they’d already had plenty of eye contact.  Physical contact, though, was only moments away.  Because, when Sirius looked over, she wasn’t there, and he frowned, eyes searching the crowd.  James was talking again, and he only caught Sirius’ attention when he suddenly stopped.

 

Sirius looked over, jaw dropping as she saw Lily release James, a broad smile on her face.

 

“How was your summer?” she asked him conversationally, still smiling.

 

“Uh…” James trailed off, and Sirius nearly fell over in laughter.

 

“It was good,” James managed to catch himself just as Lily was turning, and her expression instantly shut Sirius up.

 

He watched her expression flash from happy to surprise to concern to anger to sadness, and it stopped his heart.

 

“We need to talk,” was all she said before turning on her heel and stalking off angrily.

 

Sirius was in a state of shock until James shook his shoulder.

 

“What was that all about?” he demanded, venom concealed in his words, venom only Sirius could recognize.

 

“I… don’t know,” Sirius lied before reaching over, grabbing his trolley, and walking away.

 

They made it onto the train without anymore interruptions, finding Remus and Peter as they went.  It wasn’t an unusual ride in comparison to their previous years.  Girls came and went, some staying longer than they should have, Snivellus got tripped as he walked by, and James continually peeked down the hall for Lily.

 

“Guys, I’m gonna go find some air,” Sirius announced, and his three friends just nodded, knowing where he’d go.

 

He headed down the train corridor slowly, slipping around people as he went and ignoring all calls of his name.  He was in a fog, his mind distracted, and he didn’t come out of his reverie until he spotted an empty compartment somewhere in the back recesses of the train.  He undid the door, slid it shut once inside, locked it, and went to open the window.  With it pushed all the way open and the beautiful autumn breeze ruffling his air, Sirius lit a cigarette, pocketed his lighter, and sighed, taking in a draft.

 

His serenity was interrupted on the second smoke, his other flicked out the window.

 

“I thought I saw you walk by,” his younger brother, Regulus, murmured as he stepped into the compartment and closed the door behind him.

 

He didn’t blame Regulus, never would, but it still stung to see him walk in so nonchalantly and sit across him like the scar on his face, the healing wounds on his back, the stab mark in his side meant nothing.  He took in a long, heavy draft, contemplating his next move.  Thankfully, Regulus spoke again.

 

“I’m not here on dad’s orders.  Or mom’s,” he added when Sirius shot him a furious look, “I’m here because I was worried about you and they threatened to cut off my hand if I even thought about writing to you.  Where did you go?”

 

“Lily Evans,” was all he said, knowing that with that simple name he’d given Regulus far too much information to hold over his head.

 

“I thought you might,” he laughed humorlessly.

 

It was a short laugh, more of an acknowledgment than anything, and the two brothers sat in silence for a little while before the younger sighed.

 

“I talked to her.”

 

 _Her_.

 

Sirius’ stomach dropped at this concept.

 

“Her _meaning_?” he demanded, throwing his brother a vehement look.

 

“Evans,” he said, rolling his eyes, “She quite nearly attacked me.  I’m not even sure where she came from.  I was walking down the hall to come find you when I saw you walk by, and she just appeared out of nowhere, dragged me to an empty compartment, and shoved her wand in my face.”

 

“Typical Lily,” Sirius laughed, more truth in his joy than he intended, “What did she want?”

 

“To know what happened to you.  You seem to have made _quite_ an impression.  She was all flustered just talking about how you apparated onto her front lawn in the pouring rain, bleeding everywhere.  Good first impression for the family,” Regulus joked, and Sirius smiled.

 

“So, tell me about your summer,” Sirius said, changing the subject that they both knew they’d eventually go back to.

 

“Well, I went to Sam’s after, like, two weeks of living in hell with dad.”

 

“Did he touch you again?” Sirius suddenly got cold.

 

“Chill.  He didn’t.  They were awful in other ways.  Did you get your stuff, by the way?”

 

“Yea, thanks for sending it.  So, how was staying with Sam?”

 

Regulus smirked, and Sirius just laughed.

 

“She’s a keeper, man.  I like her,” Sirius said, nodding, “I always have.  She takes good care of you.”

 

“Lily probably would, too,” Regulus murmured, arching an eyebrow and staring over at his brother curiously.

 

“Yea, but Lily is totally, like, James’ property.”

 

“She’s not James’ anything,” he scoffed, shaking his head, “She could be yours if you wanted her.”

 

“I know,” Sirius sighed, “But let’s not talk about it.”

 

This was why he was still best friends with his brother, because they understood each other and they could talk about anything, regardless of the Black family rules, and it didn’t matter.  Regulus wasn’t a rebel like Sirius, but he certainly would hand himself over to protect his older brother, and Sirius the same.

 

They sat together for a few hours, sharing cigarettes and stories of the summer, swapping goals they had for this year, and discussing this newcomer in the evil forces _Lord Voldemort_.  It wasn’t anything in particular, just a moment they frequently shared, tucked away from prying eyes, pretending their family hadn’t tried everything to rip them apart.


	2. To Forgive

_We can live forever,_

_I can be your favorite angel._

_Beautiful dangerous._

“Are we still writing this year?” Sirius asked as he closed the compartment door once they were in the corridor.

 

“Yea, why not,” Regulus said with a shrug, “I think dad has some spies, so I don’t know if we’ll still be able to hang out as much, but we’ll work it out.  Tell the guys I said hey.”

 

“Don’t do the same,” Sirius laughed, clapping his brother on the back before they started to walk off.

 

They chatted lightly until Regulus left into his compartment, and Sirius continued down alone, hands stuffed in his pockets.  He stopped only once, and that was to redirect a poor, lost, crying first year.  She was a brunette, with tumbling curls and wide brown eyes.  She had a smattering of freckles all over her face, and she looked so shaken that he had to stop and pull her out of the way of an oncoming fighting couple.

 

“My name is Sirius,” he introduced himself as the couple continued on and the girl looked up at him wildly, “What’s yours?”

 

“Chelsea,” she hiccupped, wiping her eyes and shaking his hand.

 

“Now, what’s got you crying?”

 

“I can’t find my friends, and these awful older kids cursed all of my stuff to disappear and singed my new robes, and I hadn’t even put them on yet!” she ended angrily, crossing her arms.

 

“What did they look like?” Sirius asked cautiously, fiddling with his wand in his pocket.

 

“One of them was really horrid looking with long greasy hair and—”

 

But it didn’t matter what else she said.  Sirius reached down, grabbed her hand, and pulled her back along the corridor he’d just come.  He knew right where Snape was sitting, knew just what he was going to do.  He stopped before the compartment, threw open the door, and drew his wand.  Snape was already on his feet when Sirius’ wand reached his throat, and the rest of the compartment jumped up as Snape raised his wand.

 

“What the fuck do you want?” Snape growled, and Sirius stepped aside, revealing the girl.

 

“Recognize her?” Sirius demanded, nodding his head at her.

 

Snape laughed cruelly, lowering his wand and shaking his head.

 

“First years shouldn’t get in the way,” he snorted unceremoniously.

 

“ _Confringo_!” Sirius shouted, and screams erupted in the compartment as Snape’s ropes lit on fire and quickly travelled up his legs.

 

Sirius turned on his heel, not bothering to shut the door, and the first year followed him, eyes wide and scared.

 

“What did you do?” she asked in a frightened whisper.

 

“Taught him a lesson.  Don’t let the Slytherins bully you, unless, of course, you’ll be in Slytherin.”

 

“How do I know what I would be in?”

 

She’d caught up with him, and he slowed as she grabbed his wrist, trying to slow him.

 

“Uh,” he started, looking down at her, and he sighed, slowing his pace until she was walking comfortably, “Are you from a wizarding family?”

 

“I’m Muggle-born.  At least, I think that’s what you call it?  That’s what one of my friends told me, but that guy back there called me a Mudblood earlier.”

 

Sirius’ blood boiled as he heard a voice shouting for him from Snape’s compartment.

 

“Then you probably won’t be in Slytherin.  They typically only sort purebloods into that shithole of a house.  _What_?” he finished, spinning around and glaring at one of Snape’s friends as she approached him.

 

“How _dare_ you—”

 

“How dare I what?  Allow him the consequences to his actions?  Go back and nurse his wounds, _whore_!”

 

She lashed out at him, and he jumped back in surprise, trying to push her away until she clawed at his side, and he collapsed, white hot pain firing up through him.  He couldn’t breathe, and his entire world was going black as the Slytherin girl continued to scream down at him.  Chelsea was looking around wildly for help, and he doubled over, hands at his side when he heard her voice.

 

“Go back to Severus!” Lily screeched, shoving the girl away, “You, what’s your name?” she demanded of the first year.

 

“Chelsea,” she responded hurriedly.

 

“I’m Lily.  Help me get him somewhere safe.”

 

Together, the girls lifted Sirius off the ground and struggled with him down the corridor.  They entered the same compartment he’d been in earlier, and someone was running down the hall after them, shouting for people to move as he went.

 

“What happened?” Regulus exclaimed as he flew into the compartment, panting.

 

“Take her back to wherever she belongs,” Lily ordered, pointing to the first year as she lowered Sirius onto the seat.

 

Regulus didn’t need to be told twice.  He hurried out of the room as Lily sat next to Sirius, put her face in her hands, and tried to breathe.

 

“Are you okay?” she asked after a few minutes, looking over at him.

 

He nodded, eyes still closed, and waited for the pain to subside.  Lily sat with him for the next ten minutes until he finally straightened, rubbed his eyes, and groaned.

 

“What happened?” she asked, and he looked around for her, noticing she’d gone to the opposite seat and was curled up in the corner, forehead pressed against the cool glass of the window.

 

“I was walking back from this very compartment, actually, when I bumped into that first year,” he sighed, running a hand through his hair, “And she told me Snape had set her robes on fire and made all her stuff disappear.  A _first year_ , Lily, and he called her… _Mudblood_ ,” he spat, watching her flinch.

 

Lily just continued to stare out the window, and it took him a moment to realize she was crying.

 

“Lily,” he cooed, cocking his head to the side and trying to find her eyes, “What’s wrong?”

 

“You,” she grumbled, sitting straight and wiping her eyes, “You just fucking _left_ , Sirius.”

 

He was shocked by her vulgarity, and so he just sat there in silence, watching her.

 

“I don’t even know _why_ I feel like this for you, but I do, and you showed up on my lawn, _bleeding_ , and then left almost as soon as you’d gotten there.  What the _hell_?”

 

He watched her hand twitch, knew she wanted to slap him, but also knew that she wouldn’t because she knew how much this scar on his face hurt.

 

“I don’t really know what you want me to do, Lily,” he mumbled, though he certainly knew what _he_ wanted to do.

 

The things he would do if his best friend wasn’t so madly in love with her.  He watched her shuffle her feet before she suddenly got up and approached him.  She sighed, sat down next to him, and leaned in to whisper to him.

 

“What I really want is for you to hold me.”

 

A thousand possibilities flashed themselves in Sirius’ mind, then, and so he chose the safest one.  He got up and left, nearly running down the corridor, and he could almost feel Lily’s angry sigh.  He didn’t want to go back to his friends, though he knew he had to.  They would be wondering what had happened to him all this time, and he hadn’t even thought up a lie by the time he reached the compartment door.  Gritting his teeth, he opened it and was greeted with the middle of a heated debate.  He joined in, putting on his best act of happiness, and they thankfully didn’t interrogate him on his whereabouts.

 

The feast passed without incident.  In fact, September passed relatively well, and October was just nearing a close when they met again.  Sirius excused himself from the company of James, Remus, and Peter in the common room to go to the Owlery.  He’d been feeling conflicted recently, and he needed Regulus’ advice, and so he was writing to meet him that night.  With the Halloween ball approaching in a week, it had gotten harder and harder to ignore Lily, and he needed to find a way to control himself should she prove to be just as beautiful as he expected at the ball.

 

As he climbed the winding steps to the top, he was lost in his thoughts, mulling over what was to be done with this attraction he felt for the one Miss Evans, the one that suddenly appeared right before him, completely unintentionally.  He stopped dead in his tracks, eyes widening.

 

She was sitting on one of the few benches, face in her hands, and he could see her shoulders shaking as she cried.  He made up his mind quickly, called for his owl, and didn’t make eye contact with her as she looked up at the noise.  His black owl flew down and landed on his arm.  He gave it an affectionate pat before tying the letter to its leg and sending it off.  When he turned, Lily was gathering her things.

 

“Hey,” he stopped her, rubbing the back of his neck as he looked over at her.

 

“I get it,” she said, putting up a hand, “I won’t even bother.”

 

“Lily,” he sighed, moving toward her and wrapping his fingers around her wrist, not tightly, just to pause her in her angry movements, “I’m sorry I reacted that way and have continued to ignore you.  It’s just… it’s _hard_ , with James and all.  I just think this would be a really bad idea.”

 

“I’m not asking you to choose me over your best friend.  I just… want a shot, y’know?”

 

“I’m just going to hurt you,” he said with a shake of his head, sitting next to her as he did, “I’d be bad for you.”

 

Lily smiled, sitting, “How do you know that?”

 

“If I tell you a secret, can I sneak into your room tonight?”

 

“You can’t,” she teased, nudging him, “You’ll never get up the stairs.”

 

“That’s my secret,” he whispered, and they were suddenly holding hands.

 

Sirius slipped his fingers right in between hers, and he smiled, genuinely, when she held right back, looking down at their hands shyly.

 

“I’ll be there at one, but only if you want me to,” he promised, taking her chin and turning it up toward him.

 

“I want you to,” she said with a confirmative nod, as if she was convincing herself.

 

He couldn’t believe this feeling, what she did to him just by holding his hand and giving him hope.  She was like a white ray of light, and he suddenly understood why James so adored her.  She was beautiful, inside and out.

 

“Now, will you please not cry ever again and tell me what’s wrong?”

 

“Ever again,” she laughed, squeezing his hand, “I’ll tell you some other time.  Are you going to the Halloween ball?”

 

“I was probably going to ask you to dance at some point,” he admitted, leaning closer to her.

 

“I was probably going to accept,” she returned, and then they kissed.

 

Sirius would remember this kiss for the rest of his life, even watching Lily walk down the aisle and love James for the rest of her life, and he would still smile, even then, and remember how amazing she made him feel with that one touch.  No matter what happened to them after this, they had this moment forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little shorter than I would have liked, but oh well. I’ve got a music recommendation because I listened to this song all throughout the Owlery scene: 100 Suns by 30 Seconds to Mars. It’s just so good, and it fit the delicacy of this scene so well. But, that’s that, and I hope you enjoyed. Don’t forget to review!


	3. Broken Act

_We acted smooth like rain,_

_Save all the flame that we’ll light._

That night, Lily was pacing back and forth in front of her bed.  It was already ten o’clock, and she wanted to at least sleep a little before Sirius got here, but she had absolutely no idea what to _wear_.

 

“Lily,” Jenna, one of the three girls in her room sighed, “What in God’s name are you doing?”

 

“Being nervous,” Daisy laughed, shaking her head, “She’s got a secret visitor sneaking in tonight.”

 

“I do not!” Lily exclaimed, quickly stopping herself and sitting abruptly on her trunk, “Okay, so I do.”

 

“Who is it?” Jenna gushed, dancing excitedly before she went to sit next to her.

 

“You guys have to promise not to tell anyone, okay?  Not a single soul.”

 

“Absolutely,” Jenna promised while Daisy and Kat nodded.

 

“Especially not James.”

 

“I knew it!” Kat suddenly screeched, pointing an accusing finger at her, “I just knew it!  The way he’s always looking at you!  And, oh my gosh!  He looked so happy today when he came back from the Owlery with you!”

 

“ _Sirius_?!” Jenna and Daisy shrieked, and Lily covered her face, groaning.

 

“Yes, Sirius,” she mumbled from behind her hands, “But you can’t tell anyone!”

 

“How in the world did _this_ happen?” Daisy asked.

 

“I can’t tell you.  All I can say is he was at my house for one night during the summer, but I can’t tell you why or what happened.  He made me promise.”

 

“Does it have to do with that horrid scar on his face?”

 

“I can’t tell you!” Lily cried, throwing her hands into her lap, “And I don’t know what to wear.”

 

“Yes, you do,” Jenna scoffed, pushing her off the trunk.

 

She lifted the top before rifling through until she stood with an extremely large t-shirt, one that she’d bought purely as a comfort t-shirt.

 

“This shit is sexy,” Jenna promised, and the other two chorused with nods.

 

“Is not!” Lily said, shocked.

 

“No, it is.  Just panties and this, he’ll think you’re hot as hell.  Oh, and I’m not sleeping in here now.  God only knows what that man is going to do to you.”

 

“Nothing!”

 

“Yea, nothing,” Kat laughed before going to collect her things, “Coming, Daisy?”

 

“Hell yea, I’m not staying in there.”

 

Lily just sighed and watched them go.  They couldn’t be serious…

 

\--

 

At one, Sirius crept out of his dorm after shifting into a handsome black dog.  He trotted down the stairs, glanced around the common room, and quickly made his way over to the girls’ stairs. There, he nearly sprinted up, excitement making his heart beat quickly.  He looked over the numbers until he found Lily’s, shifted back, and quietly turned the knob, pushing the door open.  He went slowly, careful not to make any noise, and he smiled as he saw her turned figure in the darkness.

 

As he approached her bed, she stirred a little, though she was fast asleep.  He smiled to himself at this before lifting the blankets.  His smile turned mischievous as he took in her lack of clothing, and, his mind running wild, he climbed in behind her, wrapped his arms around her, and pulled her close.  She awoke instantly, nearly jumping out of his arms.

 

“Sirius,” she gasped, sighing and turning into him.

 

She put her face in his chest, exhaling.

 

“Did I scare you, love?” he crooned in his most alluring voice.

 

“Maybe you should make up for it,” she challenged, and he took it instantly.

 

This kiss was not nearly as delicate as the one they shared in the Owlery.  He felt her hunger in this kiss, felt her passion and longing.  He wanted her, every little bit of her.  And, to her greatest surprise, Lily wanted to give him exactly that.  And so she did.

 

\--

 

“You got laid.”

 

It was the first thing James said at breakfast the next morning, and Sirius’ first reaction was to choke on his orange juice.

 

“Pardon me?” he gasped, wiping his mouth.

 

“Wow, man, no need to be so crazed about it.  S’not like it’s your first time or anything.”

 

As soon as he said those words, Sirius’ jaw dropped.  First time.

 

“Fuck,” he muttered, dropping his head into the table, “Fucking shit fuck.”

 

“Well, good morning to you, too,” Remus laughed, sitting next to them.

 

“How was McGonagall?” James teased, nudging him.

 

“Pleasured my fancies?” Remus shot back, throwing him a nasty look, “Just wanted to ask me why Sirius came _skipping in singing_ this morning.  What the hell, dude?”

 

“He got some,” James confirmed, nodding, and Sirius just groaned, “I think it was the girl’s first time, from what I’m gathering.”

 

“It _was_ , and I totally didn’t even realize that,” he grumbled to himself, “This is a load of—hey, Lily,” he cut himself off, forcing a smile.

 

James immediately flashed a large, genuine smile, “Hey beautiful, how did you sleep?”

 

“Amazingly,” she said with a large grin before sitting next to Sirius.

 

James went on to _attempt_ to have a conversation with her, but Sirius quite quickly lost track of it when he felt Lily’s fingers touch his.  He managed to just barely stifle his smile, lacing his fingers with hers, and he felt like he was on top of the world.  They went through breakfast like this, Sirius stroking his thumb along the back of her hand every so often and Lily just smiling her way through everything.  When they stood for class, however, and James turned his back on them, she quickly leaned over.

 

“I know what you figured out.  It’s _okay_ ,” she promised, “I’m glad it was you.”

 

He was both in shock and incredibly happy.

 

\--

 

_Two month later._

_Mid-December._

Things continued like this, Sirius sneaking into Lily’s room every night and slipping back out early in the morning when no one was awake.  They would go on dates to the Astronomy Tower and to the Room of Requirements, though the latter usually found them lustful and kissing.  Everything seemed perfect, and Sirius could hardly believe how right his life was going for once.

 

Lily felt quite the same.  Her friends frequently noted how they’d never seen her quite so happy and giddy, though they stuck to their word and never said a thing about she and Sirius.  They held hands sometimes at breakfast, lunch, and dinner, they wrote each other little love letters, and they loved, wholly and completely.

 

It was Christmas that nearly broke them.

 

“Hello, my flower,” James crooned, plopping into the seat next to her.

 

James.  She rolled her eyes.  Because of Sirius, she couldn’t stand him even more.  It was _his_ fault, after all, that they couldn’t truly be together, that they couldn’t shout to the world that they loved each other.  Lily smiled even at the mention of the word.  Love.  Sirius was the only person besides Severus she’d ever told that she loved them and really meant it, in a heart-giving sense.

 

They had been on the Astronomy Tower, late at night, just watching the night sky, and they were sitting close, she snuggled deep in the warmth of his arms.  He whispered it right in her ear, _“I love you, Lily Evans.”_   She could barely breathe when those words left his mouth, though she instantly turned, kissed him, and returned the sentiment.

 

“ _Hello_?” James drawled, waving a hand in front of her face.

 

She blinked, coming out of her reverie, and looking hatefully at him.

 

“ _What_?” she snapped, but it didn’t erase the smile from his face.

 

“Just wondering if you’re staying here for Christmas break.”

 

“I am, actually.  My parents are going away.”

 

“Hey, mine are, too!” James exclaimed, and Lily was suddenly afraid of the broad grin spreading across his face, “Though I’m still going home.  You should come with!”

 

“Where is Lily going with you?” Sirius asked, sitting across from them, and Lily smiled, lowering her gaze.

 

Butterflies exploded every single time she saw him; it was such a novel experience, to be so in love with someone that they made you nervous and tingly and warm no matter what.

 

“Lily’s coming home with us,” James said firmly.

 

“Us?” she repeated, looking up at him in a flash.

 

Sirius was choking on his pumpkin juice, but James just nodded, ignoring him, “Yes, Sirius lives with me now.  C’mon, Lils, it’ll be so much fun.”

 

“I—really—don’t think—she’d wa—ant—to, mate,” Sirius finally coughed out as Remus thumped him on the back.

 

“Would your parents mind?” Lily asked, and James nearly fell over.

 

“Wait, you’re actually considering it?”

 

“Yea, why not?  I’m sure Remus visits often, and I like him, and, well, I guess I can tolerate you for a month.  It’d be nice to get away from here for a little bit.”

 

Lily looked over as Sirius got up, and his friends watched him leave, curious.  To Lily, he looked livid, in the way his shoulders were firm and rigid, in his too-light walk, in his glaring eyes.

 

“Probably embarrassed for choking in front of Jenna,” James whispered, nodding his head toward Lily’s roommate, “I don’t know why he doesn’t just ask her out already.  So, you’ll really come?”

 

“You didn’t answer my question, James.”

 

“Yea, they wouldn’t mind at all!” he exclaimed, almost bouncing in his excitement.

 

“Excellent.  I’ve got to go, though.  If I’m leaving with you, I have a few last minute books to return.”

 

She found Sirius in his dorm, pacing back and forth and muttering to himself.

 

“Sirius?” she said softly, closing the door behind her.

 

“Get out,” he demanded, pointing at the door and not looking at her.

 

“Sirius, c’mon,” she scoffed, “What’s wrong?”

 

“Lily, get out.  I can’t talk to you right now,” he said, glaring over at her.

 

His hands were shaking, and his breathing was heavy.  She ignored his request, instead crossing the room to him and putting her hands on his face.  He inhaled sharply, not exhaling, and he just stared at her.

 

“What’s going on?” she whispered, looking up at him sadly.

 

“Get out, please,” he begged, pushing her away, “Just get out.”

 

“Sirius!” she exclaimed, folding her arms across her chest, “I’m not leaving until you explain to me!”

 

“You can’t go to James’!  I know what you’re thinking, but it won’t happen, Lily!  Not in that house!” he shouted, walking away from her, “GET OUT!” he roared when he turned back around, “You can’t be in here!  Get.  Out.”

 

She stormed away, tears prickling the corners of her eyes.  She muttered under her breath all the way back down the stairs, stomped angrily across the common room, and went right up the girls’ stairs, slamming the door behind her.  She tried to pull herself together, tried to ignore how angry he’d made her.  He’d shouted right in her face, as if she didn’t mean a thing to him, told her to get out and that he didn’t want to talk to her.

 

“Stupid Black,” she grumbled furiously before falling onto her bed and crossing her arms.

 

She looked at the clock; she had another hour before Transfiguration, and so she kicked off her shoes and turned on her side, her dark mood eventually falling away into a fitful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I’d rather this longer, but oh well. Also, as I’d planned, the next chapter is the last, so, :( I hope you enjoy this and that!


	4. Empty, Scared

_You can be sick, I’ll be nasty,_

_Cos sometimes it’s more fun to fight._

Sirius was at a loss for what to do.  On the one hand, he wanted to go home with James because he loved it at the Potters’ house, and he cherished the family he’d found there.  On the other hand, he desperately wanted to stay here, to stay away from Lily.  He couldn’t imagine what chaos would erupt should they be put in such close contact in _James’ house_.  It made him cringe.

 

He glanced at the clock.  He had class soon, but he was far too wound up to nap until then.  Instead, he grabbed a pack of cigarettes and a small flask, stashed them under his robe, and hurried out of the common room.  He knew it was far too early to be drinking, but his head was spinning with uncertainty, and he soon found himself under the bleachers in the Pitch, draining his flask dry and smoking to his heart’s content.  Class could wait.

 

\--

 

_Three weeks later._

_Early January._

Sirius had been watching them unfold, one dilemma that he certainly hadn’t expected.  He’d decided, after all, to just go home with James and ride the month out.  Surprisingly, Lily still went along, and, if it wasn’t for their previous acts of love, her sudden interest in James wouldn’t seem so strange and off-putting.

 

The first time James came loping into his room, all giddy and stupidly smiling, Sirius thought he’d finally shagged some girl and forgotten about Lily.

 

“Lily and I are going on a date tonight.  Sirius!  A _date_!” he exclaimed.

 

It took several moments for Sirius to gather his bearings enough to smile winningly and clap his friend on the back.

 

“That’s excellent, mate!  How did that come about?”

 

He felt like he was dying, like he couldn’t breathe, but he forced himself to be excited with James, to indulge him in listening to him chatter away for hours.  And when the pair returned from their date that night, Sirius snuck into Lily’s room, shaking his head.

 

She was still awake, perched on the edge of her bed, her back to him.

 

“I’m sorry,” she said as he closed the door, “I think I’ve fallen for him.  Finally.”

 

“How?” was all he said, crossing his arms and not moving any closer.

 

“I don’t know.  It just… happened.  You’re such a prick.”

 

He nodded.  He deserved hat.

 

“I’m sorry, Lily.  I never meant to yell at you.  I just… I was afraid.  I didn’t want to hurt him.  He’s my best friend.  What was I supposed to do?  You were suddenly coming to his house, _our_ house, and you thought we could sneak around with him right there.  I just couldn’t do that to him.”

 

“Sirius,” she said, turning her head only slightly.

 

He arched an eyebrow, though she couldn’t see it, and she sighed.

 

“Will you make love to me?  Please?” she finally whispered, turning to face him fully.

 

Her request rocked him for a second, and he barely noticed how he reached for his wand and locked the door.  She silenced the room before he met her in a powerful kiss, his head exploding.  He didn’t know how she did it, how she made him go numb, but he loved her for it.

 

\--

 

When Sirius awoke early the next morning, earlier than he usually did, Lily was lying in his arms.  He smiled, a genuine, wide smile, and he kissed her, drawing her out of her dreams.

 

“Mm, Sirius,” she purred, pulling him toward her.

 

He followed her movements, let her coax him back to loving her, and they were tangled together until it was finally a normal and comfortable time to be awake, and Lily sat up, smiling over at him, a sad, desperate smile.

 

“It’s okay.  I get it,” he whispered, shrugging and relaxing his arms underneath his head, fingers laced together, “You’re finally discovering how greatly you feel for James.  I’m happy for you.”

 

“I’m sorry, Sirius,” she mumbled, turning her gaze away.

 

“Don’t be,” he said, looking straight at her, “There never really was an us anyway.”

 

“There wasn’t, was there?” she sighed, frowning, “There couldn’t have been.”

 

“I’ll always love you, though.  I meant that.”

 

At this, she turned, smiling warmly, “I did, too.  You’ll always have a place in my heart, Sirius.”

 

“One last kiss before I go?”

 

She nodded before leaning down to touch him with a soft, delicate kiss.  And then Sirius gathered up his things, stepped back into his clothes, and disappeared from her life, snatching a piece of her heart as he went.  He locked himself in his room for the rest of the day, body aching.  He loved her, and he hated her.  He knew that he couldn’t really have her, not even if they both wanted each other.  It wasn’t right, and he knew that.

 

He sighed, lying back on his bed.  He felt empty without her.

 

\--

 

Regulus cleared his throat, smiling as Sam stuck her tongue out at him.

 

“What?” she snapped playfully, rolling her eyes.

 

“I got a letter from Sirius,” he said softly, and she instantly frowned, blinking.

 

“Is he okay?”

 

“It’s about Lily.”

 

Sam was the only one he’d dared confide in about his brother and Lily Evans’ relationship, as tumultuous as it was.

 

“She’s dating James.”

 

Sam’s frown deepened, and she went to sit with him, “How is he?”

 

He handed her the letter, shrugging.

 

_Reg —_

_I don’t really know how to tell you this.  I don’t even know how to write it.  James and Lily went on a date last night.  I’d never really thought about that before, that she might fall for him if she came back to the house.  It never really crossed my mind, and now I kind of wished it had, so I could have avoided this.  I knew yelling at her like that was wrong, that it would mean losing her, but I never thought I’d lose her like this.  We slept together this morning, again.  A few times.  She just.  She took my heart and snapped it in two, Reg.  I don’t even know how to pretend to move on.  I know she wasn’t really mine to begin with, but it still feels like a kick to the gut.  Like I didn’t really matter._

_I feel empty._

_It scares me._

_Sirius_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. That was kind of sad. Hm.
> 
> This is the last chapter, and I hope all of you have enjoyed it, :D It was quite the journey writing this, but I’m glad I did. I needed to get this out of my system, to finally write my Sirius/Lily, and here it is. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!

**Author's Note:**

> So, I was almost entirely inspired by BitterEpiphany’s Macabre after I started this. I just finished reading it (and hope there will be more, gah!), and it’s so wonderful. The relationship Reg and Sir had just warmed my heart, so I wanted to include that in this, too. I’ve always liked their relationship, so, well, here’s a spotlight. That, and well, Sirius/Lily is one of my favorite pairings apparently. We’ll see where this goes. I’m hoping to finish it before I actually post it, but who knows. Let me know what you thought!
> 
> Also, a small ps, this is going to be short, only four chapters in length. Just as a forewarning.


End file.
